Unopened letters
by thesecretrosegarden
Summary: 71 years without him were a long and sometimes unbearable time. The only comfort Tessa found was in writing him letters she could never send
1. Chapter 1

London, June 6th 1937

Dear Will,

It has been 34 hours since you left me forever and the only reason why I only write now is the fact that I could not believe you are really gone. I woke up this morning and extended an arm to your side of the bed to touch you, but you were not here. Although I held you while you slipped away, kissed your tears and drowned in mine, reality does indeed sink in slowly. You cannot be gone, not you, not my sun, the light of my life. For over 60 years you were by my side, and although we promised to love each other till death do us part, I somehow never expected it to actually happen. We cheated death so often, why not this time? Why have you left me, cariad?

The children are still here and do their best to comfort me. Jamie feels my despair but I will not break in front of them. The nights will be the worst, when our home is quiet and I won't hear you breathe next to me. How am I supposed to live forever when even another day seems impossible?

Remember our last day in the sun. We watched Owen play in the garden and you laughed at him for stumbling into the pond, still the silly boy inside you have always been. The world will never be the same for me, but I promise you to keep holding on because I know you wanted me to. I wonder if you can look down on us now, watching us mourn you and shaking your head because you want us to be happy instead. Or maybe Jem is right and we will be reborn? I will find you then, my love, I will find you in another life and make you mine again because even though in the end you were not immortal, our love surely is.

I need to go and say goodbye to the children now because they are going home. The Institute will be so quiet and empty then. I don't know how I will endure this, Will. Please, be there, somehow. Please, if there is a God, don't take him away from me entirely. I need to know that when I reach out, there is at least your spirit I can hold onto.

I love you. Dwi'n dy golli di.

Tess


	2. Chapter 2

London, June 17th 1937

Dear Will,

Eleven days have passed without you by my side and the reality and gravity of it have sunk in. I still expect you to be sleeping right next to me when I wake up, reach out to trace my fingertips over your skin, but find nothing but an empty bedside. At least when I am wake, I know in my mind and heart that you have left me forever, my cariad. And this knowledge is so unbearable, that sometimes even breathing hurts.

Wasn't it just yesterday we met? I remember it as if it just recently happened and I cherish every memory we made in over 60 years together. They are all I have now. Whenever I am alone in my room, I wonder if you knew how much I loved you. Have I told you those three, significant words often enough? Was I good enough for you in all those years? There is so much that was left unsaid, although we knew the end was coming. So many words that never found their ways over my lips because they drowned in all the tears I couldn't cry in front of you. And now I wished I had said my goodbye better than I did. I wished I had told you, that you were my world and without you there is nothing but infinite darkness in my heart. The hole you left can never be filled again, even if I live a hundred lifetimes.

Our dear Owen stayed after your funeral to keep me company, but unfortunately he must depart tomorrow as well. It was nice to have him around for so long, although I can't believe that he is already a grown man now. Time flies by so quickly it seems. My cariad, I hope you are looking down on me now, from wherever you are, and not too sad about my own grief and despair. I know I promised you to go on living, to be strong and find joy in life again. And although it seems impossible now, I am sure that one day I will be able to laugh again, knowing you are with me wherever I go. And we will travel the world together, you and me cariad, like we always wanted to and never did. With you by my side, although I might not see you, I will go and see all the places we spoke of. Places I wanted to see with you when I thought we still had time. Tomorrow I will decide where to go to first. I cannot stay here in our home, where every room reminds me of you and of what I have lost.

Owen will take me out to dinner now, cariad.

Ti yw llawenydd fy nghalon,

Tess

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	3. Chapter 3

Wales, August 21st 1937

My dearest cariad,

I wished you could see me now from wherever you are, but I strongly believe you do and you're laughing down at me. I'm in Wales, your home, soaked in mud because I slipped on the slopes in front of Calar Idris, but you know me, this could not spoil my fun. Yes, for the first since you left me, I am honestly enjoying my time here in Wales. The landscape, the familiarity of this place and the memories it brings back hurt and comfort at the same time. As I told you in my last letter, I felt the strong need to leave London and go somewhere calm and serene. And although I wanted to go to a place that is unfamiliar to me and could not bring any memories of you, here I am, dwelling in your loss, and yet feeling like I am starting to heal. The solitary has helped me cope with what happened and I finally found the peace to let reality sink in. You, my heart, my soul, are gone and will never be back. The finality of that truth hurts worse in my heart than any weapon ever could, but I know that eventually one day it will be easier.

I feel nearly ashamed to tell you that finally, now after your death, I did what you ever wanted me to: I have started to learn Welsh. The bits and pieces I picked up from you were only fragments of the language you spoke and I wanted to properly learn it to honor you, cariad. It would be much nicer with you here, laughing about my still poor pronunciation and my grammar, but I am sure you are chuckling somewhere now, nodding because I am not yet doing a good job. But you also know that I have always mastered the impossible and eventually, I will be able to speak Welsh soon. Maybe I can teach it to our grandchildren then and keep the legacy of your roots alive.

My Jamie sends me letters every week and I cherish them. He is such a thoughtful, caring young man. I am proud of us for having brought up two such wonderful children as ours. Lucie is struggling with your loss, much more obviously than Jamie is. She does not speak of you or her grief in her letters, that's why I know it has hit her hard. You know she always remained silent about the things that really bothered her, while Jamie spoke about them frequently. How different those two have always been! My heart grows heavy at the thought that one day I will have to bury our precious children as well, something no mother should have to do in her life. Maybe, if God is on my side, I will have joined you by then. I may be immortal, but I am not invincible. But I promised you to carry on as long as I can and I will keep that promise.

I will return to my pension now, my dearest husband, for it looks like it is about to rain. The water of the lake reflects the heavy dark clouds above my head and it reminds me of the day Mortmain brought me here. All of this seems so far away, as if it's the memory of someone else, a fragment of a lifetime long ago. But the memory of us here is as vivid as if it happened yesterday that you came to my aid and found comfort in my arms that night.

I love you like I loved you when we were here together for the first time, cariad.

Yours Tessa

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My dearest readers, thank you so much for the overwhelmingly kind reviews you left so far. I appreciate them very much and hope that you will enjoy this newest chapter as well 3


	4. Chapter 4

London, September 7th, 1940

My dearest cariad,

I you must think that I haven't thought of you in a long while, because the last letter that this box contains was written over three years ago, but my darling, I wrote you many more, that unfortunately were stolen together with my luggage in Boston. Yes, I travelled back to the country I came from, visited New York again and other cities I always wanted to see. Our old friend Magnus decided to take me with him, to occupy me and distract me from my misery. I must say that his presence quite healed me. Nothing ever seems to touch him seriously and his luxuries bring him such joy, that his good mood is contagious. I quite enjoyed my travels, but I was also happy to finally be reunited with our children in London after three years.

It truly took me three years to find the courage to go back to the city we both called our home, and though many months have passed, the memories of you were overwhelming. Every street, every corner of the town seemed to hold a glimpse of the life we shared and I dare say that it was almost as painful as losing you in the first place, to be reminded of everything I lost. The places I travelled with Magnus helped me to forget, not to heal. You were not missing there as much as you were at home, because you had never been there with me. At home, everything reminded me of you, but I stayed nevertheless, because the pain bore something comforting. I spent many hours sitting in our old bedroom, smelling your clothes, cariad. There is still a soft scent on them of the aftershave you used and I cherish those items that bring you back to life for the duration of a moment.

I write to you now, my darling angel, because yesterday was a painful, dark day for all of us. In one of my missing letters I told you about the rising war in Germany and the rest of Europe, of how I hoped it would not reach our home England. Jamie, Lucie and the others left London in August because of the rising tension in the other countries, whilst I stayed in London, hoping that the war would pass us by. Unfortunately I was very wrong. Yesterday at around 16:40 the sirens started blaring. It was such a nice, sunny day and I had just taken a walk through Hyde Park, when the noise started and I was completely perplex at first to hear it. People all around me panicked, but I tried to focus on finding shelter. I soon found myself surrounded by mundanes in a bunker, while the city above our heads was being attacked by bombs. I have never experienced something like that, cariad. We have seen so much evil, fought so many harmful creatures, but mankind is the biggest monster of all it seemed that day. The walls of the bunker were shaking with each impact, children were crying, people were praying and all I could think of was the fact that we were all trapped inside this small space, crammed together like animals in a cage. What if the ceiling gave in? It did not, though I can say this was the longest day and night of my life. The 'all clear' came at 5 in the morning the next day and we left the bunker, frightened for what we would find outside. And oh, my dearest love, I am so glad you are not here to see our beautiful home lying in ruins! London has suffered immense damage. So many buildings have been completely destroyed, so many people have died. It breaks my heart to see the misery outside our windows, knowing that the Institute was well protected but so many families are without a home now. I fear for the sirens to start again, yet I have not yet followed Jamie's pleas to follow them to Alicante. There is so much to do at home here, how could I just leave? In times like these the world needs heroes and since you're not with us anymore, I will try to help as best as I can.

I love you, William Owen Herondale, to the moon and back.

Yours Tessa

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